It has been mentioned in passing before, but I'm pretty sure I am the only person in the entire world who blogs and is lower libido.
I certainly don't mean any offense to all of you, but everyone else in blog land are talking about how they don't get enough because their partner doesn't fulfill them in (choose all that apply):
A physical way
An emotional way
An intellectual way
A sexual way
A religious way
All of the above
For Therese, being higher libido than me creates tension in our marriage. I don't express myself in ways that she understands or in ways that she can take to the bank. She wants passion, fire, and excitement. I give her cuddling. She wants to know that I desire her sexually, and while I certainly do, I don't show her that desire very effectively.
It wasn't always this way with us. When we were first married, it was pretty wild. 5 times in 12 hours our first day of marriage. By necessity, it slowed down after that. When we were in our first house, I would come home and the first thing we would often do is make love.
The affair changed all of that for us.
Late last year/early this year I went back to counseling to deal with these demons and move past them once and for all. But, it was too late. Therese had our daughter a couple of months later, so we only had a short time to really try to improve things together. In that short time, I felt like we made progress, but 2 months, compared to two years; how do you know if it is real progress or just a blip on the radar?
After the mandatory 6 week dry spell, we picked up where we left off. Tried some new things, and all seemed to be well.... but once in awhile we still have a set back, which once again makes us ask if we are moving forward or back.
I don't WANT to be LL. Especially not living in blog world with all you HL folks. Therese suggested that perhaps the two are tied together. LL folks don't have the drive or ambition to create blogs, or the desire to share themselves with these strangers on the internet.
If that is true, then perhaps me being out here is a sign this too shall pass.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Livin LL Loco
Posted by Recovering Soul at 8:07 AM
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13 comments:
Not all bloggers have crazy high libidos. It just happens to be the circle that you guys ended up being immersed in. Sorry 'bout that.
You could easily find hundreds of blogs from women that are worn out from kids and have little to no desire for their husband whatsoever, and complain incessantly about them. But who wants to read that? :-)
To most LL people, sex isn't an issue. Since we write about things that are important to us, you won't find many LL people writing about sex. Why would they? So you obviously get a skewed sample in the world of "sex blogs."
I've always said that, as much as I love this circle o' blogs that we have, it is a horribly poor representation of society in general when it comes to sex.
Especially with all of the women around here that seem to like sex so much. I'm telling ya, it's not real. It's some automated computer program that creates online representations of women that constantly crave hot sex 5 times in 12 hours with their husbands.
Eh, you're just running with a bad crowd that's all.
Actually the truth is somewhere in between. LL is all relative to your partner and, as has been noted before, a relative LL may be a 'normalized' AL or even HL.
I'm quite HL within my relationship yet would be happy with weekly attention. In a normalized world, I'd probably be LL or at least borderline ....
So relax. And stay busy ... :)
I think xi is correct, really the HL LL thing is not something you should compare to anyone except what you want for yourself with Therese.
I know for myself and Lynn, it's always been an up-and-down thing, too, at least to an extent. For years, I was higher L than she, then there was a period where she began to initiate more, a time when I was lower than she was, and now pretty even- or at least, even enough ;)
So, hang in there, I wouldn't be surprised at all, if you don't indeed find that "this too shall pass".
This all sounds so incredibly, eerily familiar. If you figure it out,I could use some tips.
FTN, I disagree. I have been under the FALSE assumption that all of these older, prudish, Catholic women I work with are a snore in the sheets and that their husbands are lucky to get what they're willing to give. It took a girls' night out and a few beers to hear that out of all the women I work with, I'm actually getting the least amount of and the least creative sex. That was a sobering moment.
Not everyone talks about their sex life, and especially in this country, there's still a bit of a stigma or taboo about a woman enjoying sex a little TOO much, even if it is with her husband. Just because not all women are talking about it, doesn't mean most women don't have a very healthy sexual appetite. As is true for many things, sex isn't a big deal... if you're getting as much as you want/need. It's like money. Those who constantly are talking about and complaining about money might not be understood by others who think they're obsessed with money; but if you don't have any, or enough, it suddenly becomes a very huge deal.
The HL/LL is completely relative. I think there are normal ebbs and flows and that roles can change as far as who is HL and who is LL. However, the additional issue of a woman being considered HL compared to her spouse, is that it is non-traditional, and let me tell you, it's hard on a woman's self confidence. It's not "supposed" to be that way. (How is anythying "supposed" to be?) It's very difficult to hear how a husband can't get enough of his wife, when your own husband is rather satisified to engage his wife in intimacy whenever SHE feels like it, but not really ever at his insistence.
I'm rambling and could go on about this forever. My own husband & I have been in this type of situation basically during the duration of our 10 year relationship. Sometimes I find peace with it, but oftentimes I find myself sad, lonely, frustrated, and feeling unworthy and unattractive. And I'm not saying it's his fault.
Hmmmmm. . . I'm pretty doubtful about any linkage between libido and ambition. 'Cuz honestly, I'm pretty unambitious, but my libido is doin' just fine. . .
It starts to feel from where I sit, as if your thoughts of the affair kinda mess with your self-confidence, and that is a notorious libido-killer. . .
It's obvious enough that your wife is absolutely crazy in love with you, so just go with that. . . ;)
Taja, there is a lot in your comment that really struck a chord with me. This sentiment for example: It's very difficult to hear how a husband can't get enough of his wife And also feeling like there's something wrong with me for wanting sex more than RS.
I do think its all relative, and I have so very much in my marriage to be grateful for. I guess these difficulties help keep us from becoming complacent.
Your not the only LL person in blogosphere. I've come to understand that libidos are VERY complicated. Many things can affect them. Assuming you're normal and healthy with a normal amount of testosterone.
Personally, stress has a truly negative effect. The more stressed out I am the less I want sex. Of course, I've toned mine down some too due to "issues".
In your case, there may be lingering guilt?
As others have commented, may be Therese is higher than average, and you're just average? I still hang my hat on stress.
I have to admit that I've never given the thought of differing libidos too much thought in my marriage, or I guess never labeled them. I think at various times, the levels of interest or desire wax and wane in my house, so it's not like one of us is eager while the other isn't. So what I'm saying is I'm not sure if I can add any insight on this post. My hope is the past experience in your marriage becomes such a distant thought that it doesn't impede matters in even the most unexpected ways.
Taja and Therese, I think you have a bit of an insight of what supposed 'average' men go through on a daily basis- that of wanting and of wanting to feel WANTED, but seldom (never?) achieving either. The added bonus of being outside assumed societal norms is, I'm sure, a bonus added stressor.
And I'll stop there before this gets hi-jacked from what RS intended. But it is tough to want yet not feel wanted. Enough.
Taja, while I understand your point, it still seems very apparent statistically that more men are interested in more sex in their marriages than women. I suppose I should back that up with statistics, but I'm guessing I wouldn't be able to visit the appropriate statistical websites at work anyway...
As for the stigma about women enjoying sex TOO much... In this day and age? Where on earth is that stigma coming from? Every single man I've talked to about sex would be THRILLED to have a wife that is "enjoying sex too much." Sexually-empowered women are ALL OVER the media, even here in our midwest. I don't see any popular notion that women should be asexual anymore. Especially for women our age.
If the women I know are hiding some super-high sexual appetite, they are hiding it very well. From me, from Autumn, and from their own husbands.
I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of women out there that have sexual drive. I'm just saying that I could probably name two dozen sexually-aggressive blogger women that I've never even met, yet from all the GUYS I've talked to, none of their wives act that way at all.
Or maybe I should just be honest with myself -- I might just be subliminally hoping that many other women are somewhat similar to my wife, so it doesn't feel like I'm all alone in my situation.
[Cue the violins.]
Well, let me ask you this. Based on what you know of me, do you consider ME to be a "sexually aggressive" woman? I don't. Do I enjoy sex? Yes. Do I enjoy engaging in fun, exciting, creative sexual outlets? Certainly. Do I wish I was getting more passionate and exciting intimacy with my husband? Yes. But I do not consider myself to be "abnormal" in this regard. The women I work with don't talk about sex because they find it inappropriate... they're of a generation and place in society that they feel it's not... polite?? to speak about it, and not to give the impression that they really really like it. Even if they do.
I understand where you're coming from, and weird as it sounds, it actually makes me feel better about my marriage and about myself to know that there's a man like RS similar to my husband out there, and to hear that he loves and desires his wife. Sometimes it's easy to let those feelings get lost when they're not being delivered in a way you wish or expect.
I stand by my statement that I think most women would like a better sex life. Whether that means more exciting, more romantic, more passionate, more creativity, or just MORE. I agree that it's probably more common for men to want more sex from their wives than vice versa, it's certainly more common than I think you're acknowledging.
Okay, I definitely need to eventually get my links straightened out.
RS, you are the crown jewel of our little blogger circle. I know you don't like talking about the "lower libido" side of you, but you have a lot of courage for letting it out there for the rest of us. The lower libido folks get a short shrift, especially the estimated 20% of all guys who happen to be LL. That's a LOT of guys!
D.
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