How it went too far

This is a reprint from my comments, but I believe it is important enough to warrant a post of its own....

The first time was at her house. Looking back, she had it planned ahead of time, and had the group over to her home to work on the project (the house where she lives with her brother, two kids, and her parents - somehow conveniently deserted for the night.) We were drinking there, and she asked me when people were leaving if I could help her with some problem with her homework. Of course I would - no problem. She started kissing me, touching me, and I got caught up in the moment. I stopped thinking. Later, when I explained to her that it could never happen again, she agreed, but not because she thought anything was wrong with it. She said she respected my decisions. I stopped having lunch with her and seeing her outside of school related things thinking that would stop it from happening again. What I should have done at this point was come clean with my wife so she could help guard me against the 'near occasions of sin.' Instead, because of my pride, I thought I could handle it on my own and told no one. The second time we were drinking once again. Once again it was the group project. We were all at a restaurant. As we were all leaving, she and I were talking. Once again she kissed me, touched me, and once again the combination of alcohol and other things left me open to this. I once again didn't think about it, got caught up in the moment.I realize that this makes me look like an idiot, but it is the truth and that is all I can offer. The day after the second time she tried to kiss me again. I stopped her. I pulled away. I finally realized that I am vulnerable to these sins, and I began to push her out of my life to get away from them. It was at this point she become desperate and starting calling and texting that she loved me, and as has been so amply put, life became "fatal attraction." (I've never seen it but know the premise.) I never thought of her in a sexual way, but she became the person I confided in, instead of my wife. I actually, for a period, thought of her as a best friend, because in the moment you don't always see the truth. Since I didn't look at her sexually but was still vulnerable is really my point. You can't be too careful when it comes to becoming "friends" with the opposite sex. For me the whole lesson in this is that you don't necessarily need that physical attraction for things to progress too far. A failure to recognize where an inappropriate friendship could lead is how this whole mess started. I look forward to your comments.

The Other Woman - Pt. 2

I have several younger brothers. One day I received a call from one of them. He told me that he found an email to my father from a woman who was not our mother and wanted to know why it said those things. I don't remember the specifics of the email, but it was inappropriate, flirty, and obviously there was something going on. My brother was worried about it, and I didn't want him to worry, so I told him that is how people talk to their friends sometimes and that it was no big deal. Inside, I was worried. I never brought it up with my parents. The day after revelation we called my parents. They came over, and I told them what I had done. I wanted to come clean with them. They wanted to tell my other brothers so that they could learn from the example, but we weren't ready for that yet. After that point, my mother began speaking to Therese on a more regular basis and giving her more information. One thing we found out was that my father has had multiple affairs throughout their marriage. He treated my wife and his kids poorly for a long time - but we never knew before the specifics of why he was always so tough on us. We also found out at this point that my father had seen his mother (my grandmother) in a compromising position with one of his classmates when he was a teenager. Needless to say, this was all hard information for me to take in. I truly believe that if I had known the sins of my family, I may have been better prepared for all of this or prepared for this temptation. Obviously this kind of thing has run through the generations of my family. I don't blame my affair on my family or father, but I certainly wished they had told me this is something our family has had a problem with. And to this day, they refuse to talk about it with any of their other children. Dad thinks the boys will think less of him. Somehow, though, they think the boys knowing about me would be a good thing. It is this kind of double standard, among other things, that has made us struggle with my parents since revelation.

How I became involved with the other woman

You see, I wasn't planning on having an affair. I didn't actively go out and try to have an affair, as some men do. It sounds like a lame excuse, but it happened when I wasn't looking. I have a full time professional career, and travel a couple of weeks every quarter. At the time this started, I was also a full time student. I was spending a lot of time away from home. We had just had a child, and I was pushing myself hard to finish my degree so I could provide a better life for my family. In addition, I had a lot of other extracurricular things going on. I was stressed out, but wouldn't admit that I was or didn't know enough to understand the stress I had. She was in one of my classes. We had a large group project to work on with a couple of other people. And things actually didn't start with her until the end of that semester. Shortly after the semester, actually. She began calling me regularly, becoming a 'friend'. I began returning her calls. At first, that was all it was - just calls. And I told myself that it was nice to have a friend. It didn't take long for these calls to happen all the time. We would spend a lot of the day on the phone. I was spending more time on the phone with her than my wife. After something physical happened, I told her it couldn't happen again, and she didn't respect my wishes and pushed on it. As soon as the stuff hit the fan, she turned on me. Looking back, it became obvious that her goal was to destroy my marriage and have me for herself, though those were not things I had ever promised to her. And unfortunately this clarity of thought was not present then, hindsight being what it is. Please understand that, while I did eventually sleep with this woman, it was more emotional than physical. Through the counseling we have sought, it has come to our attention that this woman was a distraction from the stress of life. That is all she was. A distraction. And while she was a distraction at first, she eventually became a bigger burden as I tried to hide her. Keeping a secret is a heavy weight, and she weighed me down terribly. Even though I say it was emotional, there was no depth behind it. No meaning. We didn't share values or anything in common that I can recall, except school. In fact, when I first met her in my group, I told my wife that I thought the other woman was a slut. I can't remember what she said or did that made me say that, but somehow along the line my mind tricked me into thinking she was a nice person, someone I could relate to. I thought she was a friend, because she flattered me and complimented me. I must have known deep down that this friendship was wrong, because I never discussed it with my wife. In fact, once revelation occurred, I didn't even remember when or how things began, exactly. Looking back, my wife and I now believe the woman was using me. She didn't make much money, didn't have a good life, single mother of two kids, and didn't have anyone except her parents. She knew, from being in my group, that I make pretty good money, was a 'nice guy' (that opinion can vary now that I have cheated) and was living the type of life she wanted to have. I learned some lessons from this experience. First, why the hell was I creating a friendship my wife didn't know anything about? There was no reason for it, and that is something I will not do again. In fact, I have no desire to create any female friendships any longer. Second, my wife and I kept saying to each other 'yes, we are having a rough time now, but when I am done with school it will get better.' That is crap. Fix things immediately. Don't let them fester. Talk things out as soon as you can. Third, I am vulnerable to flattery and attention. I thought that her attention was something more than it truly was. This is a weakness I did not know about myself until it was too late. Guys, it is important to know and acknowledge both your strengths AND your weaknesses. And that is how the other woman became the worst mistake of my life.