I've been deeply contemplating marriage over the last few days, as I listen to men around work complain about their marriages. It seems clear that everyone has at least one complaint. But why? Why is no one happy?
The real question is why do men feel that it is 'manly' to complain? When did this become the standard joke around the old water cooler? I can't help but wonder if it was the same time that men became idiots on TV and in the rest of the media.
But I digress.
Obviously it isn't that everyone is unhappy, but that complaining about one's spouse has become commonplace. So, when my wife tells my son how great his daddy is, and all the wonderful things she sees in him, it stands out. It is an example of a kind of virtuous love that people often don't see anymore. And, it makes me want to do the same thing. I tell him "doesn't your mommy look pretty today?" He looks up at her, and says "pretty today." He may not know what he is saying, but he knows that daddy is saying something nice about mommy, and vice versa. This will hopefully stand out to him someday if he decides to date and get married.
My wife is a wonderful example of this kind of love. The next time I hear a husband, even in jest, saying something derogatory, I'm going to speak up.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My buddy and me
Posted by Recovering Soul at 9:15 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
What you two are doing, by complimenting each other and mentioning positive attributes about the other, in front of your children is a gift they'll absolutely model when they're older. I think the most amazing thing you can do for your children is show them how much you love their other parent. My husband grew up, to a degree, in a household like that. I didn't. However, we've really found the niche to do this for our boys.
I also don't think this complaining about a spouse is one sided. I hear so many women doing it, too, and it's difficult for me to standbye and listen, or worse, be made to feel like I need to chime in with my own complaints (or agree with theirs), when that's just not what I would do.
I commend you for planning to speak up.
Dissatisfaction with one's lot is nothing new. It's been a part of the human condition, arguably a manifestation of fallen nature.
What has changed over the years is the increasingly open expression of that dissatisfaction, and it's not just the men. Check out a discussion board on a women's website, and you'll see all kinds of husband bashing.
I don't know how well confronting someone will go over. One thing I do think that propels the dynamic is that when someone kvetches, there is some degree of reinforcement and elevation of status among the peers. If more people just ignored such carping, I think that the cycle would run out of gas.
--
2amsomewhere
I think you are setting an amazing model for your kids. I'll admit that hearing my boyfriend call me beautiful, smart, caring, etc. NEVER gets old - those little words mean so much.
And as far as the complaining, women seem to be big on this, as well. I hate when women emasculate their men in those ways, and sort of talk about "what we do in our house" out in the open like that.
You're right on target with this, RS. Carping about your spouse is just terribly destructive - of the marriage itself, of the mutual respect of the spouses for each other, and, as you highlight, the respect that the children have for their parents. And the carpers seem not to be aware that nobody looks good bitching about their spouse. . .
Molly is one of the best I've ever known at telling her kids how great their father is; sometimes it's almost embarrassing - I know I'm not all that. It didn't come naturally for me when we were first married, but I'm getting better at it. It helps that she really is wonderful. . . ;)
As our kids have gotten older, we've subtly spun the message a bit more in the direction of, "Your life will go better if you marry someone with the character of (your parent/my spouse)". And I think they get that.
I think you're right on here; male and female, though. Any dissatisfaction that is expressed outside the relationship, seems to me to reinforce that negative attitude.
I hear people I work with making comments about "She did xyz, how dumb" or something- and I wonder, what good do you think you're doing, by bitching to a bunch of other people?
I'm glad that you don't do that, the respect you give is a wonderful, very needed thing and your kids will reflect that later on, too.
Hmm, I'm going to go with the other commenters that said it seems more widespread from women than from men.
But then, the guys that I hang around, I have to admit, are generally really virtuous guys that say very nice things about their wives. It's good to have them as friends, as they are a great example (and sometimes I feel kind of guilty myself, honestly).
I still do know some women that really say some mean things about their husbands, though. It's quite the cycle.
I suppose a lot of guys do it too. It's just not the environment I find myself in.
I work with all women, and they all say terrible things about their husbands. 2 of them are waiting for their kids to graduate high school so they can get divorced. The rest have voice numerous complaints more than once. I, sadly, have fallen prey to this environment more than once and have said less than favorable things about my husband in the past. However, since seeing how terrible I feel for these womens' husbands (they're not there to defend themselves, afterall) I've kept quiet, unless it's to say something nice. I'm also the only one (besides our lesbian coworker) who says "I love you" on the telephone to their spouse.
To the best of my knowledge, my husband has never said anything derrogatory about me to someone else, especially at work. His is a model I hope to live up to. Kudos to you for noticing the ridiculousness and for agreeing to speak up!
I read this yesterday and found that it stayed with me today.
Well, here is a post that just stayed in my head in a good way, reminding me that there was a reason I entered my relationship, and there may be changes, but those reasons are still valid.
I Love My Wife. She enriches my life and a great number of ways.
It's true that you get back what you put into it. Few wives openly compliment their husbands, especially in front of their kids. Sometimes it's easier to find the bad instead of the good.
Sybil rarely says good things about me to our children. Honestly, I'm not sure I compliment Sybil. Obviously, I need to improve upon that.
FADKOG - maybe I haven't heard women because I spend more time around men. Perhaps it is more of a "when you are around the same sex" conversation.
2am - does it matter "how it goes over?" Seems like I need to speak for what I feel is right, regardless.
So Gone - you are person number three, out of three, saying that woman are just as bad. Is there a pattern here?
Des - same for me. Sometimes its like "enough already! I'm not all that OR a bag of chips."
Sailor - Very destructive, indeed.
FTN - Maybe I need to hang out with YOUR friends.
taja - I've heard other women say that they are waiting for HS to end to divorce their husbands. That seems like a bad position for the adults AND the kids, let alone a bad example.
s&m - glad I could get you thinking. Best option, always, is to try to make our own situation work.
aphron - its a long shot, but maybe if you started complimenting her she would return the favor?
Post a Comment