An East Wind

Though I gotta say goodbye, for the winter

2008-12-28T15:41:00.002-07:00

I can tell it's about that time. More honestly, it's probably overdue.

I hardly post anymore, and when I do, my heart isn't in it. I haven't been reading other blogs (as you all have seen) as much and I haven't been commenting.

So it's time to bid y'all farewell. If anyone is still reading. I wouldn't be, considering how little I post. :)

It's been fun. A little over 200 posts between the two blogs. A couple of years. There were times when you all helped Therese and I get through things, and times when people came to us asking for advice or more specifics about our situation. Which, really, is why we started the blogs.

I had the opportunity to meet a handful of people face to face, and got to know some people outside of the blogs, because of the blogs. No, the time wasn't wasted, and I certainly don't regret what we had. It's not you blog world. It's me.

I'll leave all this up, because I may be back someday. It may be sooner, rather than later, depending on what happens with my job. If I end up moving to NM, I'll be without the family for a couple of months, and have a lot of time to catch up with ya. If not, well, I'll still comment once in awhile.

Peace out, take care, and I'll see you around. With Therese still blogging, I'll never be that far away.

p.s. yeah, I know some of the songs don't make sense, just enjoy the farewell gift from me to you!
p.p.s. yeah, you know I love you, blog world. Yeah you. You know I'm talkin' to you.

We'll have a gay old time

2008-12-05T07:38:00.003-07:00

I've received a LOT of tolerance training, having been a manager as long as I have. Clearly, it didn't stick, because I'm still an a$$ (just ask Therese sometimes) but I like to think that I am tolerant of other ideas and thoughts, even if I don't agree.

I remember one specific training I received around GLBT.

For those not familiar, that is Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, and Transgender.

Apparently there were those at work who felt they were being discriminated against, and all the managers had to go to a training about it. I went to the first session, and the woman who had put it all together decided it was the perfect opportunity to announce herself publicly as a lesbian. And as she stood up there, with tears in her eyes, I'm sure I must have had my mouth wide open in amazement. Not that she was publicly "outing" herself, but that she decided to do it at work. I always thought that was a more personal choice. But, to each their own, I suppose.

Anyway, I have a lot of experience with this stuff, obviously.

Yesterday, when reading the local paper online, there was an article about a GLBT rally on a local college campus. Since that campus happens to be my alma mater, I was vaguely interested and started skimming the article. What stopped me was the caption under the main picture.

"....members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, intersex and queer community."

Okay, so I've got the GLBT part down. And I understand transgender, though I'm not sure why it was added to the list. But intersex and queer? I'm extremely confused. I asked a guy sitting next to me, and he had never heard those terms either. Especially since I was always told that 'queer' is a derogatory term for homosexual!

So last night I looked up intersex, and apparently that is the new term for hermaphrodite. But I'm still not sure how 'queer' fits in there as a now accepted term. So if any of you want to enlighten me, please do. But know that going forward it is GLBTTIQ.

And don't you forget it.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving Proclamation

City of New York, October 3, 1789

WHEREAS it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favour; and Whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me "to recommend to the people of the United States a DAY OF PUBLICK THANKSGIVING and PRAYER, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness:"

NOW THEREFORE, I do recommend and assign THURSDAY, the TWENTY-SIXTH DAY of NOVEMBER next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed;-- for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enable to establish Constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted;-- for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge;-- and, in general, for all the great and various favours which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also, that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions;-- to enable us all, whether in publick or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us); and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

GIVEN under my hand, at the city of New-York, the third day of October, in the year of our Lord, one thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine.

George Washington

Friday's disturbing news

2008-11-18T22:06:00.002-07:00

Okay, this clip is a LITTLE disturbing, and I'd be careful watching it at work. But, it all ties together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtipJD2AtKQ

Now, I'd like you to ask Therese why she is so interested in chicken porn.

Cause I just don't get it.

Hardy Har Har

2008-11-14T14:23:00.001-07:00

I'd like to follow up yesterday's depressing post with a funny one.

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_man_submits_drawing.php

The grass is always greener

2008-11-13T20:17:00.002-07:00

When I was a sales manager for 6 years, I used the steadiness of the job to finish my degree. Once that was done, the itch to change jobs (I think that is what the itch was... the cream helped) was killing me. I was desperate for a new job.

And I took the first thing that was offered me at a decent salary. It was a good offer. A position with a lot of upward mobility potential, and a manager who said all the right things.

About 2 months into the job, I started to get a bit worried. I've never done a program management job like this. I'm used to thinking tactically, not strategically. But, I'm smart, and can learn, if someone can teach me. Again, my manager seemed like the right person to do that.

My manager is very likely going to be an executive in this large company someday. He is very politically connected and pretty smart. But, because of all this, he is working on a lot of projects for upper management, and his time is stretched thin.

A month or so ago, shortly after the blogger get together, a third of my team was laid off. I'm convinced that the only reason I wasn't on the list was because of the unique project I'm on and knowledge I have that would be hard to replicate in a short time.

I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm sure that this team I've moved to is on the way out. It is just a matter of time. Beyond that, I haven't made much personal progress, because my manager is too busy to mentor me. A couple of smart guys on my team have tried to help me, but they are busy with their own jobs and don't have much time to spend with me.

So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not learning anything here, and I'm sure this team will be gone within 6 months. Beyond that, I'm not sure that without additional mentoring I'm even doing the job to the satisfaction of my manager. He has yet to give me feedback, after 6 months. At the same time, the company has a rule that you aren't supposed to change jobs if you've been in that role for less than a year.

And, of course, the market is in bad shape right now. It would be foolish to leave my job when things are so bad everywhere.

So, I'm sure I'll stick it out. I just have to figure out how to make things better on my own, without any help.

Strap in!

2008-11-05T07:54:00.002-07:00

First, that is strap "in", not "on"...

I'm still amazed at the U.S. election process.

There are somewhere around 305M people in our country.
Around 228M of those are eligible to vote.
About 118M people decided to vote. A little over half the eligible voters.

Of that, 62.6M people decided Obama was their choice.

So, 20% of our total population feels he is the right man for the job.
And 27% of eligible voters felt the same way.

And that is the best we, as a country can do? A man that 27% of us (at best) can get behind?

Obama, McCain, I didn't vote for either. Both were not good candidates. What do we have to do to get a candidate that is good? That we can ALL get behind?

My two cents, for what it's worth

2008-10-27T20:38:00.002-06:00

Everyone has given their impression of the blogger get together except for me! I suck (that's what she said).

It was fun, as everyone has said. I had a good time, as most have said. The one thing that no one has pointed out is that I had the top score in American Idol, but that's fine, I'm not one to brag...

yeah, right.

More than anything, it was great to have Therese to myself for a weekend with no kids. And though there wasn't as much nookie as I may have liked, there was some real bondage. Bonding. Sorry, Freudian Whip. I mean slip. Freudian slip.

As I continue my tour of the United States, I spend a day this week in Cleveland. I've never been there, but everyone who I've spoken with tells me to have a good time at the "mistake by the lake." Their term, not mine, so no offense to anyone who is from out that way. I don't even know what that phrase means, but I've heard it several times over the last couple of days.
When I travel lately I check out the weather report before I leave. The next couple of days in Cleveland are "70% chance of snow with a high of 42 degrees". Considering I'm coming from a place that is highs in the 70's and no precipitation, it will be quite the scary change.

It's quite the "in and out" trip (that's what she said). Just one night, a quick meeting the next morning, and out the next afternoon. Seems like a waste, but I suppose these things have to be done once in awhile.

Other than that, life moves forward as normal. Hope you all are partying hard!

holy CRAP

2008-10-13T22:02:00.002-06:00

I'm.... at a loss.

And how often does that happen?

My wife is a naughty naughty girl.

I want to say so much more, but can't even begin - I don't know what to say that won't give WAYYYY TMI that you all don't want to know.

It was great.

Thank goodness for sex bloggers from long ago, and their ideas that Therese has stored away.

Thank goodness.

Oh yeah.

Everyone is doing it...

2008-10-10T08:13:00.004-06:00

I feel left out. First off, I haven't been following your blogs as closely as I should. Then, when I do go and check, you are talking about things near and dear to my heart. They are 14 religion posts and even a post on infidelity!

I'm going to start this by saying that I don't generally jump into religious discussions with y'all. I read them all, and am very interested, but theology is not my strong suit. So I cannot generally speak to the level that many of you do, which is why I need some clarification.

I don't want to add more fuel to the fire, but I do want to understand the subject of "authority". In the posts I see, many SEEM to believe that authority is subjective. Catholics obviously trace their Church back to the apostles, which is an important part of why we are Catholic. Other Christians do not see this as something that matters.

When you read the early writings, however, it seems to be something important. The Apostles laid hands on the early bishops, and this continued to the present. The laying on of hands and current authority choosing other authority seems to be important in the early church.

Therese recently shook up the family by pointing out that Catholicism is not the only religion that contains this apostolic succession. The Orthodox churches, also originally founded by apostles, and who originally were in harmony with the Catholic church, can also claim this. The discussion then comes to the point of Peter being the head of the Apostles and who had authority and who split with whom, and all that stuff.

But to most of you, that is all neither here nor there, because this succession and authority isn’t really important. So my question, then, to you all is, when there is a disagreement on what the Bible means, where do you look for the answer? Do you believe that having an authoritative answer is important, or is it merely your intentions and heart that ultimately matter?

These pretzels are making me thirsty

2008-10-05T11:48:00.002-06:00

Let's say you are sitting with your friends. One of them has upset you. What do you say to them?

a. You are my friend, but I do not have to take this from you. You are upsetting me!
b. Look, you're my friend, but I don't want to talk about this anymore right now.

If you chose the second option, you are normal.
If you chose the first option, you don't have the ability to use contractions, and you probably wrote the script for "Fireproof."

I admire what they were trying to do; the idea behind it. I acknowledge the fact that most of the people working the film were volunteers. And as a Catholic I would love to see more Christian films made and have them do much better at the box office.

But, unfortunately Christian movie make has become synonymous with bad movie making. We allow poor dialogue because we agree with the message. Which is all said and good for those who already agree with the message, but doesn't create a desire in those who don't.

Fireproof was a good movie. I enjoyed going with Therese and spending some time out. But their arguments were so bad that both of us broke out laughing at one point. The dialogue was so poorly written that it made it tough for the actors. Most of the acting itself was okay. I used to do a lot of theater, and I'm no Kirk Cameron, though I play him on TV. I probably could have done better than some of the actors in there, and I'm not all that OR a bag of chips.

I know at least one or two other peeps saw the movie. What did you think?

The Love Dare

2008-09-27T13:23:00.004-06:00

I'm an idiot when it comes to being a husband. I admit it. There are many ways in which I could treat my wife and my family much better.

Awhile back I heard about the movie "Fireproof" which came out yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but intend to. It stars Kirk Cameron as a firefighter who is admired by everyone except his wife. They finally can't deal with it anymore and decide to get divorced, but before he gives completely up, his father asks him to give his marriage 40 more days and follow a book called "The Love Dare"

This is an actual book, and after hearing about the movie I decided to order it. There are pieces of our marriage that I could do much better in, and I want to try to do everything I can to make our marriage great.

I started the book a few days ago. Each day you have a reading, followed by a "dare" and then a place to write down your thoughts as they ask some specific questions. The first two days it all made sense and flowed very well. Then yesterday, the third day, it kind of broke down.

The reading on the third day was about selfishness. I read it yesterday morning. Then, after a long day of work, I went and worked out and came home. Right after coming home, Therese got some bad news. But I was so wrapped up in my head about work stuff that when something small irritated me I got irate and flew off the handle. I was... exactly as the book described. Selfish. I didn't listen to her concerns, I didn't sympathize or empathize with her. I never told her that I knew she could do it or encourage her.

And it has kind of put me in a funk. Mostly because the VERY DAY I read about selfishness in marriage and in love I basically re-enact the book, and not in the good way.

But more than that, it has shown me how selfish I have been as of late. Because I've been pretty preoccupied lately and Therese has been spectacular about things. Giving me space, helping me complete things, going so far as to take a lot of things off my plate and take them on herself. And not once has she complained.

So, I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk, get back on the horse, and do what I should have been doing all along. Treating my wife as good as she has been treating me.

Sorry sweetheart. I love you.

p.s. - yes, I know being in a funk is just more selfishness, which is why I want to get out of it quickly and move on.

p.p.s - one reading at church today was all about selfishness. I think it is a sign...

Xavier

2008-09-11T15:02:00.002-06:00

Now that Xavier is, in fact, Xavier, Therese and I have been debating how to pronounce his name. We could use your help... (and by that I mean that you can assist me in proving her wrong). So, cast your vote:

a) "Ha" vier (like Javier. Spanish sounding)
b) "Zay" vier (as in, you just zaved me from a burning building)
c) Professor X (from X-Men)
d) WTF, why are we talking about this?

I never said I was a dictionary editor.

NOLBA Week, Day 5

2008-09-04T20:56:00.002-06:00

Well, this is it.
Which makes me want to break into song.
Day 5, and my last day of posting. We are headed out of town in the morning for the weekend, and I'll be internet-less. However, I think this information is worthy of the final NOLBA Week post.

7 Reasons you may not be having sex (borrowed, again, from health.com):

Reason 1: Your bed isn’t sexy anymore.
Why do so many of us insist on bringing third parties—laptops, PDAs, Law & Order—into the boudoir? All that technology and distraction can cause insomnia and put a damper on your sex life. After all, it’s harder to initiate sex if your spouse is glued to the TV or if your hands are busy exploring the Web rather than his body.
How do I fix this?
At a minimum, make the bedroom a no-technology zone. Then take a hard look at your life (from romance and work to entertainment and family), and give sex the priority it deserves. If you have to schedule sex like you do a meeting, do it!

Reason 2: Your meds are stealing your sex drive.
We aren't talking about the little blue pill. Anything that reduces blood pressure, anxiety, and acid reflux, and antidepressants, too.
So what do I do?
Ask your doc about the sexual side effects of all of your drugs.

Reason 3: Your crazy-busy life.
You get up, go to work, cook, work out, taking care of the family, and still try to find time to entertain your blog readers. And, still, at 11:00 p.m., you’re expected to put it all behind you and start singing some Barry White.
Yeah, so? Everyone is dealing with this one.
You need some serious life management to work it in (that's what she said). Put a lock on the master bedroom door and set a technology time limit. Shift gears from the harried pace of everyday life with a soothing bath. Plunging into warm water takes you away from the laptops and cell phones that clog up your day. Add a few drops of scented oil; the aroma is thought to heighten sexual feelings.

Reason 4: You don’t like yourself.
Many people find themselves withdrawing or not willing to experiment sexually if they’re overweight or don't feel good about themselves. Emotionally, we’ve bought into the media’s idealization of what is really sexy, and we all know the media sucks.
Can I get through this?
Feel free to ask your spouse what s/he likes about your body; the compliments can help you feel more positive. And believe them when they tell you!

Reason 5: Your spouse is just not that into it right now.
You may actually be raring to go, but your partner’s engine seems stalled. The usual problems between husbands and wives can play out in the bedroom, especially if your partner has a hard time expressing his feelings properly or there is an increase in stress. Or, s/he may want you to be more sexually adventurous. You needn’t hang from chandeliers (not that there is anything wrong with that); it could be as simple as being a more enthusiastic lover.
This one makes sense to me!
Well, talk it out in a blame-free way. It’s understandable that one would feel rejected in this situation. Don’t confront them with ‘What the hell is going on?' or they’ll shut down. Try to broach the subject in a loving way.

Reason 6: You're depressed.
When you’re feeling down in the dumps, desire can take a big hit. And this happens to everyone at some point.
I'm depressed just reading all this.
Yeah, that makes two of us. Talking and exercise help; they enhance mood and energy, and sometimes boost blood flow to the genitals.

Reason 7: You’re sick and tired.
There are a slew of illnesses that take away our desire, so don't assume just because your partner is usually ready to go they always will be.
Sex Rx: Once a sickness is detected and corrected, any associated symptoms should dissipate.

Good luck, and thanks for participating in NOLBA. Remember our motto: Come and join us.

NOLBA Week, Day 4

2008-09-03T22:29:00.003-06:00

Look, we all enjoy what my wife would call "crockpot" sex. It lasts awhile, the heat stays on, and you get to enjoy each others company.

At NOLBA, we know you don't always have a lot of time, so here are a few ideas to get in the mood fast (shout out to health.com)

1. Break a sweat - Working out increases blood flow which is an immediate libido booster. Working out by dancing? Even better. Digger will show you how!

2. Turn up the heat - One of my favorite commercials said it best; I'm SPICY!
Chili triggers the release of endorphins, which will get your game going.

3. Dig up those honeymoon photos - Spending time remembering good times can help you get in the mood.
Therese and I knew a family who professionally recorded our wedding as their gift to us. We've been married over 5 years.... and should get the video any day now.

How's your progress? Everyone keeping up? :)

NOLBA Week, Day 3

2008-09-02T23:58:00.002-06:00

Now, we can prove we have a reason for not hearing our spouse... but no doubt it can be overcome. Its called attentional blink and you can read more about it here.

I was going to write something witty and meaningful about it, but I spent the last three hours working in front of my computer on a work project. It would have taken me 6 hours, but Therese did a lot of internet research and really cut down on the time. So, its midnight, and I'm going to bed.

Thanks baby. I owe you one. And by one, well, you know what I mean...

NOLBA Week, Day 2

2008-09-01T21:29:00.002-06:00

Many NOLBA members find it very difficult to continue their normal sexual relationship once they have children. In that spirit, we offer some ideas to keep your sex life alive after children, borrowed from WebMD.

1. Redefine Sex. Sex starts with other things. In the morning, a slow kiss or caress can get things going so that at night the NOLBA patented "bow chicka bow wow" can commence. You start reconnecting in this new way, and then the other ways aren't such a leap.

2. Reconnect with each other. Don't talk about the kids all the time no matter how tempting it might be. Talk about whatever it is you used to talk about together. Keep those conversations alive. For example, Therese and I like to talk about you all. Since I don't have as much time to blog, she helps me stay updated on what everyone is doing. (You can run, but you can't hide.)

3. Get creative. Babysitters can take kids on l-o-n-g walks around the block. In general a couple would do well to revisit adolescence: Get in the car, park somewhere. Or run off into the woods for an hour.
As you might remember, that worked for Therese and I once before.

4. Be spontaneous. Rediscover the living room. And the kitchen. And the counter. And the floor. OHHHHH baby... the table.

5. Be realistic. You may not get it right now. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. But you will get it. And if you spend some time prepping, and not pushing, it will be good.

NOLBA Week, Day 1

2008-08-31T21:29:00.002-06:00

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but according to CNN there are 8 reasons you should never have sex:

1. Revenge: The most popular very-wrong reason to have sex, revenge sex never ends well.
Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere. If you do manage to break up their friendship, then you're stuck with an untrustworthy dude.

2. Ego gratification: You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home. Or not. Men have been known to do some unsavory things for physical gratification. The fact that he's willing and able doesn't say squat about your appeal.

3. Appliance envy: Your roommate "doesn't believe" in air conditioning. You can't afford premium cable and are addicted to "Weeds." You're desperate to try out Wii Fit. All of these desires are perfectly rational.
However, they are absolutely not worth the price of waking up next to someone you otherwise cannot stand. (Well, except for the AC, but that's only if it's above 100 Fahrenheit.)
p.s. I don't believe this applies to FADKOG's special selection of "appliances" that she keeps in her drawer.

4. Weight loss: Yes, you may have read those women's magazine articles about how being physically intimate can help you shed pounds. However, a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex. That's less than half a Hostess Ho-Ho. Of course, at NOLBA, our goal is more than 15 minutes, but who's counting?

5. Clarity: Ever since you were nine years old and saw that topless Kate Moss Calvin Klein ad, you've had a hunch you were same-sex oriented... you're wrong.

6. Mercy: Empathy for a sad soul is one thing; holding an intimate pity party is quite another. Oh, and you know that saying, "no good deed goes unpunished?" It goes triple in this instance.

7. Quid pro quo: I'm not knocking or talking about the sex professionals out there -- this is for the amateurs among us. Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert. Unless maybe its a very good Creme Brulee.

8. Fame by association: He's famous, you want to be. Fame is not transmissible through intimate contact. However, lots of other things are, so watch out.
Note: Does not apply if you are a groupie of FTN...

NOLBA: When once a night isn't enough

2008-08-27T20:10:00.004-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen,

It was in 2001 that our President, George W. Bush, saw a severe problem in the United States. Using keen insight, he quickly enacted into federal law NOLBA.

While NOLBA is a controversial law, woman around the country quickly rallied behind it. The law authorizes a number of federal programs aiming to improve the performance of American men across all states, counties, cities, and towns.

While the focus of the law is on women, a number of men have also lined up behind it to support the various facets of the law.

As stated by the President: "Accountability is incredibly important for the marriage institution. People shouldn't fear accountability. They ought to welcome an accountability system as a useful tool to make sure no orgasm is left behind."

The No Orgasm Left Behind Act of 2002 is an incredibly powerful and useful tool when used correctly, but the key to it all, as noted by our President, is accountability. In that spirit we have formed the NOLBA Society, designed to help keep each other accountable. Orgasms are important on numerous levels and we will not allow them to be lightly tossed aside.

The NOLBA Society is holding a orgasm-fest the week of September 1st. Those who join are pledging to do whatever it takes, however kinky, to ensure that their spouse achieves orgasm during every sexual encounter of that week.

In addition, participants will share ideas and encourage each other during this week to ensure that, truly, no orgasm is left behind.

If you are interested in joining the NOLBA Society, please leave a comment on this post. We believe that by helping each other, we help ourselves.

Come and Join us.

I'm too sexy for my nationality

2008-08-19T21:08:00.002-06:00

Had I known how busy this new job would be - and most importantly that it would cut into blogging time - I never would never have taken it.

We have been doing a lot of work on the house this summer, both outside and inside. Recently, we hired a handyman to build us a large bookcase so we could better organize our office/spare bedroom.

He was a nice enough guy, and really liked to talk. The estimate, which should have taken 30 minutes, took an hour and a half.

On Saturday he came over to install the finished project. We carried it upstairs (the finished product is 8' tall by 8' wide) and he started installing it against the wall. Therese was downstairs cooking enchiladas.

The gentleman, who is Mexican, smelled the chili sauce and asked "what is your wife making? Chili?"
And I said "Actually, enchiladas."
"How does she know how to make real enchiladas?" he asked "You folks are too white."

So I informed him that Therese is actually half Hispanic, on her mothers side. But what he heard was that I am half Hispanic, not Therese.

He proceeded to tell me that I am too handsome to be Mexican, and that I must be lying. Most Mexicans, he explained, are ugly.

I reiterated that it was Therese, not me, who is half, but that I appreciated the compliment.

We have a date on Friday.

Livin LL Loco

2008-08-01T08:07:00.003-06:00

It has been mentioned in passing before, but I'm pretty sure I am the only person in the entire world who blogs and is lower libido.

I certainly don't mean any offense to all of you, but everyone else in blog land are talking about how they don't get enough because their partner doesn't fulfill them in (choose all that apply):

A physical way
An emotional way
An intellectual way
A sexual way
A religious way
All of the above

For Therese, being higher libido than me creates tension in our marriage. I don't express myself in ways that she understands or in ways that she can take to the bank. She wants passion, fire, and excitement. I give her cuddling. She wants to know that I desire her sexually, and while I certainly do, I don't show her that desire very effectively.

It wasn't always this way with us. When we were first married, it was pretty wild. 5 times in 12 hours our first day of marriage. By necessity, it slowed down after that. When we were in our first house, I would come home and the first thing we would often do is make love.

The affair changed all of that for us.

Late last year/early this year I went back to counseling to deal with these demons and move past them once and for all. But, it was too late. Therese had our daughter a couple of months later, so we only had a short time to really try to improve things together. In that short time, I felt like we made progress, but 2 months, compared to two years; how do you know if it is real progress or just a blip on the radar?

After the mandatory 6 week dry spell, we picked up where we left off. Tried some new things, and all seemed to be well.... but once in awhile we still have a set back, which once again makes us ask if we are moving forward or back.

I don't WANT to be LL. Especially not living in blog world with all you HL folks. Therese suggested that perhaps the two are tied together. LL folks don't have the drive or ambition to create blogs, or the desire to share themselves with these strangers on the internet.

If that is true, then perhaps me being out here is a sign this too shall pass.

Overheard in our House

2008-07-29T08:49:00.003-06:00

Conversation from last night:

1: I WANT SEX!
2: It's late, I want to go to bed.
1: I WANT IT NOW!
2: Why do you never want to cuddle first? GEEZ.
1: Will you stop whining and give it to me?!
2: How about this; if we don't cuddle tonight, you won't get it again for weeks!
1: You are such a girl!
2: You are such a guy!
1: I love you, can we please just do it?
2: I'm not in the mood.
1: You're so fine, baby. Give me so lovin'.
2: How about tomorrow?
1: Tomorrow you'll say you don't want it, either!
2: No I won't, I promise. But for tonight, cuddling.
1: I don't like cuddling, its too hot.
2: No cuddling, no forking.
1: Fine, we can cuddle.

Now, re-read it. It goes without saying that person #1 is Therese, and person #2 is me.

I won't tell 'em your name...

2008-07-24T22:07:00.002-06:00

Who can name the above band, WITHOUT looking up the song on Google? Winner gets a hug, but we are on the honor system here. And no looking at the other comments before you guess!

We all know each other from our online writing, but how much do we really know each other? What do you picture when you are reading my posts? And, dare I ask, what do you picture when you are reading my wife's posts?

A few of us have even ventured to give our real names (at least first names) to others. Always through email. Always quietly.

I'm the same way, but I don't really know why. The odds that someone would be able to find me if my first name was on here, vs. it not being on here now, are slim. Unless you have a pretty uncommon first name, Tertullian for example, you should be okay. Of course, the flip side is that many of us have seen people get in trouble by not being careful enough.

Well, now its time for me to out the very few people who I do know.

Just kidding, of course.

So here is the game; of the people you read, if you had to guess their real name, what would you guess? For those of you who read hundreds of blogs (FADKOG) just name a few. If you know someones real name, for goodness sake don't out them on here.

I'll give an example:
FADKOG seems like a Stephanie to me.
FTN - definitely a Peter (why did that sound dirty?)
and I would call xi, Mark, if I ever met him

Who sounds like what to you?

My buddy and me

2008-07-22T09:15:00.002-06:00

I've been deeply contemplating marriage over the last few days, as I listen to men around work complain about their marriages. It seems clear that everyone has at least one complaint. But why? Why is no one happy?

The real question is why do men feel that it is 'manly' to complain? When did this become the standard joke around the old water cooler? I can't help but wonder if it was the same time that men became idiots on TV and in the rest of the media.

But I digress.

Obviously it isn't that everyone is unhappy, but that complaining about one's spouse has become commonplace. So, when my wife tells my son how great his daddy is, and all the wonderful things she sees in him, it stands out. It is an example of a kind of virtuous love that people often don't see anymore. And, it makes me want to do the same thing. I tell him "doesn't your mommy look pretty today?" He looks up at her, and says "pretty today." He may not know what he is saying, but he knows that daddy is saying something nice about mommy, and vice versa. This will hopefully stand out to him someday if he decides to date and get married.

My wife is a wonderful example of this kind of love. The next time I hear a husband, even in jest, saying something derogatory, I'm going to speak up.

News Flash

2008-07-19T22:17:00.001-06:00

I'm just not interested in back-door play.

Gray is gay, know what I say?

2008-07-11T11:10:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was talking to a co-worker who happens to be gay. He mentioned that he thought the gray that is coming into my hair looked good.

Yes, I'm getting gray, at the ripe old age of 30.

I thanked him, but told him that I didn't think it looked good.

"Oh yes," he said, "One of my gay magazines just talked about how gray on men is the in thing right now."

I'm not comforted.

Prepared to vomit

2008-07-08T19:55:00.003-06:00

I got sumtin' to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm a lyricologist. I can rap about anything. Shrink, shrink. Blinkity-blink. Tried to make me think. Wanna go to my sink. And vomit. Clean it up wit' Comet. Earth is my planet.

And in quoting one of the worst movies ever, I was hoping to make you as sick to your stomach as I feel, after what happened today.

First, I need to explain how tough it is to get anything done in a large company. I haven't been able to move to my new desk, and the new manager (who henceforth I'll refer to as "homeboy")hasn't been able to move to my old desk. Playing musical chairs, basically. In order to get the move done, because of operating expense cuts, we have to get senior VP approval, which hasn't happened yet. They won't let us move our own items because it is a liability, we might hurt ourselves lifting those laptops. With that said, I moved my items myself anyway, with the exception of my phone, which has to be reprogrammed or routed or whatever they do with phones.

The day I decided to move my computer myself was the day I came into work and homeboy had started moving his own pictures over to the cube I was still in. That annoyed me. But when I came back to my desk after lunch, he had moved a BUNCH of stuff over, and was using my keyboard and mouse.

Now, I'm not a germaphobe, but seeing this guy I hardly know using my stuff, without talking to me, bugged me. Not to mention that I have a bigger monitor than most (something I won years before - and bigger than even my former boss) and an upgraded keyboard and mouse that have cool extra features. Homeboy assumed he would get to keep all that cool stuff as a new manager - so the next morning I took it before he got any crazy ideas.

But, I kept my phone at the old desk. It is a nice wireless deal (since I spend a lot of time on the phone in my job.) The key to this headset, and to the point of the story, is that it has an ear bud - the sound quality is very good. In fact, here is a picture:

Since I do not have a phone set up at my new cube, I told homeboy that I was leaving my phone and would have to come and use it periodically during the day. He agreed.

I received an email from one of my former employees this afternoon. The exchange went like this:

"RS, is that your headset on your old desk still, or homeboys new one?"

"Mine."

"OMG, he has the ear bud in his ear RIGHT NOW! Are you sharing earwax with homeboy? Don't tell him you heard this from me!"

Well, maybe I am a germaphobe, because the idea of sharing an earpiece with homeboy made me sick to my stomach. I haven't even mentioned that he comes across as a pretty unorganized, dirty person. IT WASN'T EVEN AN OVER THE EAR SET UP. IT WAS LITERALLY IN HIS FREAKING EAR.

So, on the one side, the headset came with extra ear buds so you could replace it if they broke. On the other side, are there enough Clorox wipes to make me feel better about it overall? Only time will tell.

Would YOU share ear buds with someone else? Am I overreacting? If ever you wanted to judge me, now is the time.

Hawaii 5... OH!

2008-07-06T12:17:00.002-06:00

I like that we've been married for 5 years as of yesterday.

I like that we made sure to have nookie yesterday, even though Therese is feeling under the weather.

I like that she arranged to have us renew our vows with the priest who witnessed our marriage 5 years ago.

I like that we have a tradition where family and friends come over and share cake and wine with us. As was said many times yesterday: "Let them eat cake."

I like that some jokes just never get old.

I like that Therese was able to wear a "provocative dress" to dinner with just the two of us.

I like that Therese will be able to enjoy my gift to her (once it is done).

I especially like that after a nice dinner, we both agreed that the best thing we could do is go home and go to bed.

It's exhausting liking so many things.

Hickified

2008-06-28T21:05:00.003-06:00

Therese hates it when I mess with her neck.

Today, we were in bed wrestling (Seriously, just wrestling.) Therese likes to imagine that she is stronger than me.

She has been wearing a necklace and I asked her where she got it. She wouldn't tell me, so I decided to force it out of her. I pinned her down and told her I would give her a hickey if she didn't tell me. She still refused, thinking I was bluffing.

So, I sucked on her neck, just a little bit. I'm sure she didn't know it left a mark, but it did. And so she pushed it again, and I was forced to give her another one.

All be told, she got three hickeys, all over her neck. When she got up and looked in the mirror she was shocked.
And I don't think I've given her a hickey since we were newly married, so it was a good day.

Greetings and Hallucinations

2008-06-21T22:24:00.002-06:00

"An East Wind"

I know, right? I seem like I'm all literary and smart. If you didn't know better, you would think I'm working the bookstore circuit with DaKOG.

When I was younger someone gave me the complete Sherlock Holmes collection, a giant book with all the Holmes stories ever written. I have read it several times now, and this quote has always stood out to me as an excellent one.

It seemed particularly appropriate, as in our marriage and lives there has been a change from who we are to what we have become. Not that we aren't constantly looking at moving our lives forward, but the affair and what we have been through are not the main focuses of our lives anymore.

So, welcome to "An East Wind." Therese told me to pick something funny, but none of the funny names I tried were available, so now we are stuck.

She has become a blogger guru, and is in the process of moving my posts and information over. In a short time we will be shutting down the old blog. I hope you all continue to come along for the ride!

Work

2007-01-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Part of my job is managing people. Currently I have about 18 direct reports, though that number varies between 13 and 20. On November 1st there were some changes in the office and the people I had managed for the previous year were redistributed while I picked up a bunch of new people. So, I am trying to lead a group that I have only been with for about 2 months now. One person I am managing is a young woman, about 27 years of age, who has been with the company for about 5 months now. She runs a particular area of my teams business and a good part of her work is dealing with customers herself. It is usually a pretty independent position, where the person takes care of a lot with very little oversight from me. However, since she is so new she asks many questions. I have no problem helping her get up to speed. However, I do have a problem with her that I am having trouble dealing with. She cries. A lot. At the drop of a hat. The slightest problem comes up in the job and she is in my office crying. She has only been working for me for about two months now, and she has gone full on tears 3 times, and come close several other times. And by full on tears, I mean she is bawling. This is a new situation for me. I have had people who work for me cry before, but usually when something dramatic has happened. When I have to write someone up, sometimes they cry. When I have had to lay people off, sometimes they cry. But never for the little day to day things we regularly have to deal with. I truly don't understand how to deal with her. Your thoughts and comments are appreciated.

Prodigal Son, Part Duo

2007-01-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

On Christmas day my brother, who I mentioned here, and his wife and son were supposed to join the family for dinner at my parents home. He showed up shortly before dinner with his son but no wife in tow. She decided not to come, because she felt her presence would make the family uncomfortable. He picked up their gifts and left. A couple of days later, they informed the family that they were moving away, back to New York. So, on New Years Eve we all got together and said goodbye. They left on January 1st. It is with mixed feelings that I say goodbye. My parents have been miserable trying to deal with them since they got here. They have caused a lot of problems amongst the family. They have been disrespectful, rude, and thoughtless towards the family. I have to be honest when I say that I don't think I will miss them. However, I feel very sad for their son, my nephew. This child is being raised by a father who can't hold down a job, a mother who didn't finish high school and has lived off the state her entire life, and parents who don't have a place to live. They continue to be selfish, and I fear this child will be neglected. I am sad that he won't know his uncles, and I am sad that his only example will be people who have so many issues. How can a child stand a chance in such dire straits?

They say its your birthday

2006-12-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday too, yeah! People always ask if having a birthday so close to Christmas means less gifts or at least more Christmas wrapping paper. Yes, I do get a lot of Christmas wrapping paper, but I really don't care. I mean, I love gifts and all, but I don't really care about that part of it as much as other people. In the book "The Five Love Languages" they talk about gifts as being a love language, so I suppose that is not really how I see or express love. For Therese, on the other hand, it is a very important love language to her. So she generally gives me great, thoughtful gifts because she appreciates getting them herself and enjoys finding something people really like. This means that if I am trying to speak her love language, I need to do better on gift giving. It is something I am working on... This year I specifically told her I didn't want any gifts, so instead Marcus Aurelius got me a big bottle of Russian vodka - my favorite! There will be martinis tonight! Anyway, let me be the first to wish everyone a great new year. God bless!

NFP

2006-12-29T20:36:00.001-07:00

As practicing Catholics, the only "birth control" (if it can be called that) Therese and I use is Natural Family Planning, or NFP. For those of you who are not familiar with this technique, it basically breaks down a womans fertility cycle into 3 parts. You measure several things while practicing NFP: daily temperature, mucus, and a couple of things having to due with the cervix. Phase 1 begins on the first day of her menstrual cycle. It lasts for about 6 days (depending on the average length of her cycles). During this time, a couple can have sex and will most likely not get pregnant. Phase 2 begins immediately following this cycle. It lasts for a couple of weeks. There are several ways to measure the beginning and end of phase 2, depending on how careful you want to be in terms of conceiving or not, but in general a couple who does not want to conceive would not have sex at all during this period. Please keep in mind that the Church teaches that there must be a serious reason to avoid pregnancy for this to be used. Phase 3 begins following phase 2, and the length is determined by the length of phase 2. Generally it is a week to a week and a half. Once again, you can have sex during this time and reasonably expect you will not conceive. While NFP can be used to postpone conception, as I mentioned, its true purpose is to help WITH conception. Using this method, I can tell pretty accurately when Therese is ovulating and therefore we know when to try to conceive. When we decided to try to get pregnant, it happened in a short time using this method, but because of my long commute and other various reasons when we were first married, we chose to postpone pregnancy initially. And that is really what I want to talk about in this post. During Phase 2 we had to find ways other than sex to show our love to each other. We both wanted sex during this time of each month, believe me, but we knew it was best to wait. So phase 2 consisted of us constantly trying to find ways to show each other we cared. Nights out with dinner and movies were pretty common. One time I recall drawing her a bath before she got home from school. Reading, playing music, long walks.... let me be honest, it was basically anything we could do to keep our minds off of sex! And it didn't always work. There were times we would make out and have to stop just before getting to the sex part. It was hard. Therese, of course, doesn't do anything to make it easier. She will put on the silk nightgowns for bed that make her look so hot, she will kiss me passionately, she will call me at work and tell me how much she wants me, and eventually in the heat of the moment we will talk about how we don't really need to wait any longer to have children, we are ready, etc. In the end, we always managed to get control of ourselves again. Phase 2 was almost as exciting as being able to have sex because of the anticipation of what was to come. But we learned to appreciate each other in new and unique ways during this period. If you are struggling in your marriage, this "no sex" time pushes you to learn more about each other and grow with each other. It teaches you to respect your partner in a whole new light, and love each other in new ways.

NFP

2006-12-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. Christmas

2006-12-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

My brother in law calls me Mr. Christmas. Unlike my wife and her family, who celebrate the Christmas season from Christmas to Epiphany, I celebrate year round. It is not unusual for me to listen to Christmas music in July. The year Therese and I were engaged, at Christmas time, I drove with my soon to be brother in law and his wife and 3 kids to visit his wife's parents. From there, we drove to meet my fiance's extended family down near the border. I brought dozens of Christmas CD's, we listened to all of them, even some Christmas stories. And ever since then, his oldest girls listen to Christmas music year round. Yes, I left my mark, and yes, I am sure they are thrilled with me. :) Well, maybe not. He does bring it up a lot, and always gets that look in his eye.... Anyway, here is a site where you can get your dose of the Christmas season: http://www.stormfax.com/dickens.htm So from Mr. Christmas to you, have a great holiday (holy day). Thanks for stopping by.

How it went too far

2006-12-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

This is a reprint from my comments, but I believe it is important enough to warrant a post of its own....

The first time was at her house. Looking back, she had it planned ahead of time, and had the group over to her home to work on the project (the house where she lives with her brother, two kids, and her parents - somehow conveniently deserted for the night.) We were drinking there, and she asked me when people were leaving if I could help her with some problem with her homework. Of course I would - no problem. She started kissing me, touching me, and I got caught up in the moment. I stopped thinking. Later, when I explained to her that it could never happen again, she agreed, but not because she thought anything was wrong with it. She said she respected my decisions. I stopped having lunch with her and seeing her outside of school related things thinking that would stop it from happening again. What I should have done at this point was come clean with my wife so she could help guard me against the 'near occasions of sin.' Instead, because of my pride, I thought I could handle it on my own and told no one. The second time we were drinking once again. Once again it was the group project. We were all at a restaurant. As we were all leaving, she and I were talking. Once again she kissed me, touched me, and once again the combination of alcohol and other things left me open to this. I once again didn't think about it, got caught up in the moment.I realize that this makes me look like an idiot, but it is the truth and that is all I can offer. The day after the second time she tried to kiss me again. I stopped her. I pulled away. I finally realized that I am vulnerable to these sins, and I began to push her out of my life to get away from them. It was at this point she become desperate and starting calling and texting that she loved me, and as has been so amply put, life became "fatal attraction." (I've never seen it but know the premise.) I never thought of her in a sexual way, but she became the person I confided in, instead of my wife. I actually, for a period, thought of her as a best friend, because in the moment you don't always see the truth. Since I didn't look at her sexually but was still vulnerable is really my point. You can't be too careful when it comes to becoming "friends" with the opposite sex. For me the whole lesson in this is that you don't necessarily need that physical attraction for things to progress too far. A failure to recognize where an inappropriate friendship could lead is how this whole mess started. I look forward to your comments.

The Prodigal Son

2006-12-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am going to jump off of the affair topic briefly to discuss a family affair. At around the same time the affair began, my 20 year old brother disappeared. He literally disappeared. We were all standing around, looking at him, and he vanished! (Okay, maybe not THAT literally.) He didn't come home one night, didn't show up for church the next day (which was unusual as he was in the choir I led), and no one had heard from him. At some point late that night or early the next day he called my parents. He had decided to move to New York from our little town in the mid-west, because he met a girl online and had fallen in love. I call her a 'girl' rather than a 'woman' because when he moved out she had just turned 17. She was still in high school. Shortly after he left home we discovered that he had a serious pornography addiction, and there was evidence to support that she shared in that problem with him. There was little communication with him after he left. He called my parents once in awhile, but I think we only spoke with him once. And then the family received an email from him; to no one's surprise, the girl was pregnant. Over the course of the next couple months a lot happened with them and we found out a lot about them, all through my parents. We found out that she had been living off the state for quite awhile because of various problems with her parents. She accused her step-father of molesting her, though there was never any evidence of it and when she was encouraged to talk to the police she wouldn't. The state had actually put her up in a motel for a period of time because she was kicked out of her mother's home, and that was where she and my brother were both living (I had never heard of the state doing this for someone in their care before, but we were able to confirm the truth of this. A stupid idea in my opinion, but that is a different story). And during the summer, they got married. The family wasn't invited until about a week before the ceremony, so none of us made it out there, but I am not positive we would have gone regardless. My brother went out there with no plan, and it took him a long time to find a job. He had left his job in a family run company locally with no notice. When he finally did find a job, it didn't pay much, and was several miles from where they were living; so, without a car, he was walking a long way each day. She dropped out of high school right after he got out there. They ended up going to the ER for one or the other of them at least once a month - and the doctors never found anything wrong. She was (and still is) a hypochondriac, and he has started down that road as well. The rare communication we had directly from them was disgusting. She was venomous toward us, and he was cold. She attacked our faith, our intelligence, and our morals, and this was just her first time ever communicating with us! After he had been gone for about 9 months, he emailed the family that he was coming home. Not because he needed our help, of course, but because there were more job opportunities here. Of course, any rational person would realize that there are more job opportunities in larger cities than the one we live in, but that is what he told us. They made it here a week later. After they arrived, more chaos ensued. He once again moved with no plan and had no job or prospects. Her "sickness" continued to land her in the hospital seven times the first two months they were out here, although she was always sent home because the doctors couldn't find anything wrong (naturally, they don't have health insurance). They lived in a Ronald McDonald house for awhile, but since she is a minor she was not allowed to be in the house if he wasn't there. We found out that not only had he told many lies to us, his family, but he had also lied to her. He told her the reason he moved out there was because my parents kicked him out of the house. Not only did this not happen, but it never even came close to happening. He said that he was disowned. He told her we would never accept her because she wasn't Catholic (we have many friends of various faiths), and many other lies. Their entire relationship is based on a lie, and those lies have strained our relationship with them. Unfortunately there is no end to this story. They had their baby about 6 weeks ago. We have seen the baby once since then. Since he continues to lie to the family and to her (many other lies since then) we don't want to be around them or have him around our child. You see, here is my thing: I did some very bad things, and was a very bad example, but at least I am repentant and trying to make amends. I am trying to be a good husband and father and turn my life around. But my brother refuses to admit his lies, even when caught in them, and won't take responsibility for his actions. He continues to try to find ways to rebel against the family, and pulled another stunt this weekend. He now has two minimum wage jobs, and they are living in an apartment (state assisted again), which is good that he is trying, but I can't in good conscience let my child be around someone who refuses to try to do better. Am I crazy not to want to let my child be around his uncle? I don't know of a good way to close this, as I need to run to a work dinner and am literally running late. It has made the holidays tough and we are not looking forward to Christmas, but we need to be there for my parents and other brothers. Until next time, I am still a Recovering Soul!

Closure

2006-12-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

You can read my wife's post here about forgiveness and last night. I also wanted to add my two cents about our counseling session yesterday. When Therese looked up at me and told me she forgave me, I could see that she truly meant it. It was a moving moment - one of those times in life where everything moves a little slower and it is so wonderful to be alive. (Of course, I had to spoil it by making a joke a moment later, like an idiot, but I was truly moved by both her words and the passion in her eyes.) The whole evening brought a sense of closure to that part of our lives. The counselor not only thought that we didn't need further counseling (we struggled to find things to talk about all evening) but also thought that perhaps we would be able to help others. This is something we want and feel called to do. It will help others and will continue to help us by sharing our story, just as we are doing now online. It truly felt like we have moved this to our past and are moving forward. Something Therese did not bring up is that she also told me last night that she trusts me again. This meant as much to me as the forgiveness, because we all know what marriage without trust looks like. And she has demonstrated this trust by agreeing that I should take an extra class next semester, getting me a new cell phone, not being upset when I am a little late from work, etc. I appreciate all of this, and more... So we are basically on cloud 9 right now as we continue to move forward.

Sins of the Father

2006-12-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

I have several younger brothers. One day I received a call from one of them. He told me that he found an email to my father from a woman who was not our mother and wanted to know why it said those things. I don't remember the specifics of the email, but it was inappropriate, flirty, and obviously there was something going on. My brother was worried about it, and I didn't want him to worry, so I told him that is how people talk to their friends sometimes and that it was no big deal. Inside, I was worried. I never brought it up with my parents. The day after revelation we called my parents. They came over, and I told them what I had done. I wanted to come clean with them. They wanted to tell my other brothers so that they could learn from the example, but we weren't ready for that yet. After that point, my mother began speaking to Therese on a more regular basis and giving her more information. One thing we found out was that my father has had multiple affairs throughout their marriage. He treated my wife and his kids poorly for a long time - but we never knew before the specifics of why he was always so tough on us. We also found out at this point that my father had seen his mother (my grandmother) in a compromising position with one of his classmates when he was a teenager. Needless to say, this was all hard information for me to take in. I truly believe that if I had known the sins of my family, I may have been better prepared for all of this or prepared for this temptation. Obviously this kind of thing has run through the generations of my family. I don't blame my affair on my family or father, but I certainly wished they had told me this is something our family has had a problem with. And to this day, they refuse to talk about it with any of their other children. Dad thinks the boys will think less of him. Somehow, though, they think the boys knowing about me would be a good thing. It is this kind of double standard, among other things, that has made us struggle with my parents since revelation.

The Other Woman - Pt. 2

2006-12-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Unbe'frickin'lievable

2006-12-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Seattle's airport removes Christmas trees to avoid lawsuit from Rabbi

All nine Christmas trees have been removed from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport instead of adding a giant Jewish menorah to the holiday display as a rabbi had requested. Maintenance workers boxed up the trees during the graveyard shift early Saturday, when airport bosses believed few people would notice. "We decided to take the trees down because we didn't want to be exclusive," said airport spokeswoman Terri-Ann Betancourt. "We're trying to be thoughtful and respectful, and will review policies after the first of the year." Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky, who made his request weeks ago, said he was appalled by the decision. He had hired a lawyer and threatened to sue if the Port of Seattle didn't add the menorah next to the trees, which had been festooned with red ribbons and bows. "Everyone should have their spirit of the holiday. For many people the trees are the spirit of the holidays, and adding a menorah adds light to the season," said Bogomilsky, who works at Chabad Lubavitch, a Jewish education foundation headquartered in Seattle's University District. After consulting with lawyers, port staff believed that adding the menorah would have required adding symbols for other religions and cultures in the Northwest. The holidays are the busiest season at the airport, Betancourt said, and staff didn't have time to play cultural anthropologists. Hanukkah begins this Friday at sundown. "They've darkened the hall instead of turning the lights up," said his lawyer, Harvey Grad. "There is a concern here that the Jewish community will be portrayed as the Grinch."

Things that have helped us move forward

2006-12-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

There are numerous things we have done since revelation to try to heal. As soon as revelation hit, I cancelled my cell phone. It was a problem to have it, and as my wife mentioned reviewing the cell phone bills was a source of consternation for us (is that the right use of the word?) Just last week we finally signed me up for a cell phone again, but this time it is only for work and family, no one else will be given the number. In addition, she and I will review the bill in detail (at least for now) so that nothing is hidden. We started blogging. We still have blogs we have not released to the public which we use to communicate and work through things. They are a journal of our journey to this point. I immediately called and found a counselor. We had our first counseling session within a month of revelation. The good news about this is that she has already moved us to once a month sessions because she feels we are doing well. Her saying that felt like when I used to get gold stars on my homework as a child. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend. They do a lot of work to help couples communicate. We already communicate well, so didn't learn that piece of it, but we spent a lot of time that weekend talking about how things made us feel and really re-connected that weekend. Lastly, we started seeing a priest for spiritual guidance. He has helped us to focus on that side of things and shows us that the Church demands we stay together. It has never been an option for us to break up, partially because of this guidance.

Welcome Newcomers

2006-12-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

My wife is about to post my blog site and finally refer to me as her husband. Since she has a few more regular readers than I do at this point, this will be the first time several of you have been to this site. More ever, it will be the first time that many of you who have been to both sites realize that we are a married couple, though I know at least one of you figured it out. Needless to say my treatment of my wife was absolutely unconscionable. I know that. Some of you are or will be mad at me and what I did. I know that too. However, I think she will be the first to tell you that our lives and marriage are better now than they had been in a very long time. Restoring the Covenant hasn't been in existence for long, and several of the postings are not about the affair. Please go back and read what I have written so far, (at least the first posting) and you will see that my goal is to overcome the sin that has ruined our lives. I am not happy about or proud of what I did. I am not one who finds joy in these things. I am a sinner, and I am trying to repent. We are trying to work through all of this. That is (part of) the point of the blogs. These aren't the first blog sites we have had, but we never made the other ones public. They were just for us. We started them shortly after revelation and have updated them off and on until recently. We finally decided we were ready to talk about the affair in the hope that maybe we can help others, which is our other aim with these blogs. You see, as we searched through the blogger realm, we found so many people who are having affairs, had affairs, or want to have affairs. We hope and pray that our story will help others. If you had an affair, our message to you is that marriage is worth saving, and that it can be saved if both parties will fight for it. If you are having an affair (be it physical or emotional) please stop. You aren't going to do anything but hurt the parties involved. If you won't let go of the other person, you can't truly work on your marriage. The two simply won't work together. Try to save your marriage BEFORE you get involved with someone else. For those people contemplating having an affair - it isn't worth it. Plain and simple. So, my hope is to help others, but also to receive help. I am a man and am subject to human failings. I need support and assistance. I need help. I admit it. Part of my sin was that I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own - but I am weak. I am trying to become the head of the household once again as I am called to be. Lastly, if somehow you got to my site without seeing my wife's, she is at: Therese in Heaven

My Wife

2006-12-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were friends for a long time before we started dating. We had a regular group that spent time together. When we first got married we both made sacrifices. I moved to where she was finishing school, which was about two and a half hours each way from my job. Since I was successful with my company and we planned on moving back, we didn't see any reason for me to quit. She offered to move somewhere more equidistant from our two destinations but it really didn't make sense to me, so instead she accelerated her degree. She finished a semester early - and I really don't know how she pulled it off. Our marriage was truly bliss. For the first year, I don't think we had a fight (not that I consider disagreements in a marriage to be a bad thing.) We spent every evening together, just the two of us, and on the weekends we caught up on sleep. We took long walks. We participated in the church choir together. We enjoyed life in a small town. We look back on those days with fondness, life was so simple and innocent for us. My wife is a wonderful cook. She is an extremely talented musician. She is one of the most thoughtful people I know. She has a classical personality, and she has a classic, timeless beauty. She is smart, well spoken, and (thanks to me) she has an excellent sense of humor. But the quality I admire most about her is how close she is to God. I have never met someone like her in that respect. Whenever she prays, her prayers are answered. Whatever she asks of God, it is done. When we finally hit revelation, my wife cried. She withdrew into herself. Where she used to be trusting before - well, I stole that quality from her. But she handled the situation with a maturity beyond her years. She forgave me within a week of revelation - though of course actual healing takes much much longer. I admire that she never lost her faith in God. She believed He would take care of us, and He has. There is still one prayer she has in regards to the situation which God has not answered, but those of you who believe in God know that He answers prayers in His own way and His own time frame. She believes, deep down, that He will either answer her prayer or give her the strength to get through it somehow even though she struggles with it. The point of this post is really just to talk about how much I admire my wife for the way she has dealt with the situation. She has been truly amazing. She stayed with me, first and foremost. She continues to teach our son that I am a good man, despite my weaknesses. She continues to make sure that those members of our family who know about the affair support us and treat us with respect. And because of her strength, we are healing. I love you, my dearest, thank you for everything.

How I became involved with the other woman

2006-12-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

You see, I wasn't planning on having an affair. I didn't actively go out and try to have an affair, as some men do. It sounds like a lame excuse, but it happened when I wasn't looking. I have a full time professional career, and travel a couple of weeks every quarter. At the time this started, I was also a full time student. I was spending a lot of time away from home. We had just had a child, and I was pushing myself hard to finish my degree so I could provide a better life for my family. In addition, I had a lot of other extracurricular things going on. I was stressed out, but wouldn't admit that I was or didn't know enough to understand the stress I had. She was in one of my classes. We had a large group project to work on with a couple of other people. And things actually didn't start with her until the end of that semester. Shortly after the semester, actually. She began calling me regularly, becoming a 'friend'. I began returning her calls. At first, that was all it was - just calls. And I told myself that it was nice to have a friend. It didn't take long for these calls to happen all the time. We would spend a lot of the day on the phone. I was spending more time on the phone with her than my wife. After something physical happened, I told her it couldn't happen again, and she didn't respect my wishes and pushed on it. As soon as the stuff hit the fan, she turned on me. Looking back, it became obvious that her goal was to destroy my marriage and have me for herself, though those were not things I had ever promised to her. And unfortunately this clarity of thought was not present then, hindsight being what it is. Please understand that, while I did eventually sleep with this woman, it was more emotional than physical. Through the counseling we have sought, it has come to our attention that this woman was a distraction from the stress of life. That is all she was. A distraction. And while she was a distraction at first, she eventually became a bigger burden as I tried to hide her. Keeping a secret is a heavy weight, and she weighed me down terribly. Even though I say it was emotional, there was no depth behind it. No meaning. We didn't share values or anything in common that I can recall, except school. In fact, when I first met her in my group, I told my wife that I thought the other woman was a slut. I can't remember what she said or did that made me say that, but somehow along the line my mind tricked me into thinking she was a nice person, someone I could relate to. I thought she was a friend, because she flattered me and complimented me. I must have known deep down that this friendship was wrong, because I never discussed it with my wife. In fact, once revelation occurred, I didn't even remember when or how things began, exactly. Looking back, my wife and I now believe the woman was using me. She didn't make much money, didn't have a good life, single mother of two kids, and didn't have anyone except her parents. She knew, from being in my group, that I make pretty good money, was a 'nice guy' (that opinion can vary now that I have cheated) and was living the type of life she wanted to have. I learned some lessons from this experience. First, why the hell was I creating a friendship my wife didn't know anything about? There was no reason for it, and that is something I will not do again. In fact, I have no desire to create any female friendships any longer. Second, my wife and I kept saying to each other 'yes, we are having a rough time now, but when I am done with school it will get better.' That is crap. Fix things immediately. Don't let them fester. Talk things out as soon as you can. Third, I am vulnerable to flattery and attention. I thought that her attention was something more than it truly was. This is a weakness I did not know about myself until it was too late. Guys, it is important to know and acknowledge both your strengths AND your weaknesses. And that is how the other woman became the worst mistake of my life.

Life Begets Life

2006-12-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

There was a brief calm during those first few days after revelation. We were able to joke around and even made love, though it was more out of desperation than anything else. She got tested for STD's, as did I. We came up clean, praise be to God. But then one of the hardest parts of our journey began. You see, the other woman claimed she was pregnant. We really didn't know how to deal with this, and during the beginnings of healing this is what we focused a lot of our energy on. We prayed to God that she wasn't pregnant... we prayed that God wouldn't burden us with a child outside of our marriage as well as having to try to heal our marriage. It was just too much. We prayed that if He wanted there to be a life, we would be happy to have a child together instead of me having one who would be elsewhere and the knowledge of another child always over our heads. And in July we found out that my wife was expecting a child. We practice NFP, and found this out very early in the pregnancy. Unfortunately this baby was not with us very long before we miscarried. This child to us was a sign - a sign that God answered our prayer. A sign of hope. A sign of strength and courage. Perhaps we were not given this life, but we were convinced we could move forward and handle things. We were convinced that God would not give us more than we could handle. Without getting into details, a couple of months later the other woman told us she lost the child. She lost it right about the time we lost our baby. A life for a life - or so it would seem. So even today, when we go to bed, we will pray for both children. Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis. Te decet hymnus Deus, in Sion, et tibi reddetur votum in Jerusalem. Exaudi orationem meam; ad te omnis caro veniet. Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis. (“Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. A hymn becometh thee, O God, in Zion, and unto thee a vow shall be repaid in Jerusalem. Hear my prayer; unto thee all flesh shall come. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.”)

First Night Home

2006-12-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

I finally got home yesterday and had a nice homecoming with my wife. Last night we had a Christmas party for work and then came home and slept.

Today it is like a different world. We are both on edge, and we don't even know why. There is no closeness or togetherness.

The affair still lingers on. She still feels the pain, and it expresses itself. We both know that it will take time, and that over time it won't hurt us the way it does now. Right now it is tough, but certainly not as tough as those first days after revelation.

We didn't know if we would stay together that first night or if we would divorce. I was supposed to leave on a business trip the next day and she asked me to pack my bags and leave that night. I asked her if I should pack for the trip or for longer, and she didn't know. She couldn't look at me, couldn't speak to me. I was disgusting to her, and truly I was disgusted with myself for what I had become.

The first week was a lot like that - us not knowing what to do or how to act. I spent night number 2 in our bed, but on the third night she asked me to leave our room and I moved into the guest room, where I spent a couple of weeks. After those weeks were up I slept on the floor of our bedroom. A couple of nights later she asked me to leave the house for the night and I went and spent the night with my parents, who don't live too far away. When I came home, she told me she forgave me for what I did - though forgiveness does not equal healing, and we continue to try to move forward.

Ours is a tale of strength and forgiveness. Guys, as I go through this I can't promise your wives will be as forgiving as mine has been, but I hope that many of the same lessons will apply. The lesson from this posting is to take responsibility for your actions. Allow her to yell as she grieves the loss of what you had. Don't yell back. If you have put yourself and your family in this situation you are responsible and need to own up. I see many people these days refuse to take responsibility for their actions - in many different respects. Don't fight this, gentlemen, just own up and take it like a man.

**As I reread this post, I wanted to make a note that my wife did not ask me to sleep on the floor. That was of my doing, I didn't feel like I was good enough to be next to her.

Last Night Away

2006-11-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

I hate being away from my family, but I can't say I didn't get anything out of it. You might think I am talking about all the knowledge I received, but I am not. I am talking about the Ipod Shuffle, the 2 bluetooth headsets, the two 20" monitors and the desktop I won!!! Looks like we won't have to do a lot of Christmas shopping this year! :)

It has been a long few days. I still am not sleeping well, so I am beat down. Tonight we have dinner, than a quick morning meeting before I head to the airport. I have been thinking a lot about Michael Richards little racist rant. I watched it on one of the video channels. It is obvious he was totally drunk, not that being drunk is an excuse. But the guys were being total arses to him, as well. He should have gone off on them, just without the racist flair to it.

I also realized on this trip just how much my wife means to me. Being without her was especially tough. My blog will be more organized when I am not on the road, so until next time.... Home, here I come!

My American Accent

2006-11-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

"North Central" is what professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot.

Business Travel

2006-11-28T20:27:00.001-07:00

This week I am out of town on business travel. Therefore, not much time to get online, leading to not much time to post. I appreciate everyone who has stopped by so far and the comments you have left. No doubt you think I am crazy, but I am bored as hell and I am in Viva Las Vegas! I just got done with dinner and a motivational speaker, and while my co-workers are gambling I am LIVING IT UP by blogging. First, don't feel like blowing any money, and second, this is more fun! Plus, this is the first time I have been to Vegas when it is actually supposed to get below freezing - IT IS THE DESERT!!!! How on earth is it going to get that cold in the desert????

Travelling is very hard for our relationship right now. I am very proud of my wife for how well she handles it, but no doubt that right now, more than ever, it is best for us to be together as much as possible. It isn't that she needs to keep tabs on me, but rather that as we try to heal we really WANT to be together as much as possible.

We talk as often as possible, of course, but with my busy schedule out here it certainly isn't as much as we would like. I bummed a cell phone from a family member since I cancelled mine right after revelation (it made sense so that my wife could start to trust me again) so we can talk as often as possible. These business trips always keep me very busy, and with the time difference we tend to not have much time before one of us really needs to get to sleep.

I'll be back home early Friday afternoon, and I am truly looking forward to it. I can't wait to get back to my wife, my son, my home, my bed. Living in a hotel is no fun. So, until next time, I'm "livin the dream" out here is freezing Vegas. If I do gamble, what game should I play? I've never gambled much.

Business Travel

2006-11-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

Satisfied

2006-11-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

We went to bed a little earlier last night than usual.

I enjoy the taste of my wife - the smells. She turns me on like no other.

And I believe, by the time we were done, she was finally satisfied.... a few times....

The Affair

2006-11-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be only fair to those of you who begin reading my journal to understand a little about the affair. The intricate details are for me and my wife only, but I will tell you a bit in general terms.

It has been almost a year now since the affair began.

I was going through a lot of stress at the time. We had a brand new baby, I was a full time student in addition to having a full time job, and this other woman was a distraction. When it comes right down to it, that is pretty much all she was. Since that time we have seen a counselor and learned that I was seeking praise, that I allowed myself to be praised by someone other than my wife and turned that into much more than it truly was.

My wife sometimes calls the other woman my "lover." I don't like the implication that I actually loved this woman, because I didn't. So, I refer to her simply as the "other woman." She was a fellow student. At first she became a friend, which eventually led to an inappropriate relationship. Don't get me wrong, though. The relationship was inappropriate from the first time she called me to talk about something other than school related business. There was nothing appropriate about developing a friendship with a woman who was not my wife. No if's, and's, or but's.

It has been six months. almost to the day, since what we refer to as "revelation." The time my wife finally found out why things were amiss in our marriage. You see, things were amiss, even before the affair came out. Of course they were! I was spending time with my wife and son, but even then I was only half a husband. I was spending inappropriate time with another woman!
So, it finally came out. Six months ago. And my wife and I have been trying to heal since then. She has been amazing, sticking with me through it all, and I have tried to become the husband I originally set out to be. The husband I want so badly to become again. When we were first married, I feel like I was an awesome husband. I made a lot of sacrifices. And here I am - a shell of what I was.

So we continue trying to heal. We are on the road. We are doing okay. All credit for where we are goes to my wife. She is helping me become the man I always wanted to be.

Let's Get it Started

2006-11-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

As I surf through "blog-world" I have found many people who detail their affairs online. They talk about the beauty of "true love" and how they are trapped in marriages they don't want to be in. They talk about how wonderful their lovers are, and how misunderstood they are. Usually these people have tried EVERYTHING to make their marriages work and their spouse has thwarted them at every turn. I am the other guy. I am the one who cheated. My wife was, and is, wonderful. She did nothing to deserve what I did to her. She is truly the most wonderful person I have ever met. She has the best sense of humor, is an awesome cook, and loves to spend time with me. She is patient and understanding. And she loves me, more than anything. Even now. Right now she is standing in front of me shaking her rear end to make me laugh - she cracks me up.

Is there anyone else like me out there? Anyone who regrets the lies, cheating, and deception and is striving to make things right? Anyone else who is willing to admit that they were the bad guy in the relationship? Anyone who values marriage and desperately wants to make it work?

I will chronicle as we continue the healing process. However, my ultimate goal with this blog is to bring hope to others. If one other person can sympathize with what I am going through and draw hope from it, I have accomplished what I set out to do. I hope you enjoy the ride...